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Survival of the Richest Infographic

December 15, 2018
Posted by:Loanable
Category:Blog

Since The New Yorker unveiled the doomsday survivalist strategies of the super-rich in 2017, the planet’s most monied men and women have proceeded to amp things up.

And you can’t fault the scope of their ambition as they look to inter-planetary escape, de facto states and even immortality to evade the collapse of our planet and the revolt of its stinking, heathen masses.

As such, the content team at Loanable have created an infographic which shows the freshest, weirdest and most popular ways the master’s of the universe will side-step doom should a catastrophe topple the natural order.

Survival of the Richest

Mars Biospheres

Would you close your eyes, think of earth, and let Elon Musk do you against the wall of a Pizza Hut on Mars if the survival of our species depended on it?

Or would you tell him to keep it inside his space suit, believing it better for mankind to become extinct?

It is possible this dilemma will come to pass. Because what if Musk musters only a few thousand survivalists to colonise the red planet? It will be their duty to spread life on Mars, and in short order they’ll have to make lovers out of enemies, siblings, uncles and aunts.

Musk’s recent pledge to bring Pizza Hut to his biospheres also extends to some of The Hut’s industry rivals, so his Spaceship X survivalists will see out their days with a heady mix of fast food and fornication inside a giant greenhouse with an anti-gravity chamber on hand. Should the world end, some will perhaps consider that an upgrade on our current form of civilisation.

Laser Eye Surgery

To prepare for post-nuclear melt down and martial law being unable to contain the baying mobs, then first things’s first. You absolutely, positively, need to pre-emptively correct the plus 1.2 vision in your left eye, right?

Because this is what Steve Huffman would have us believe.

And if you can’t get round to laser eye surgery before the world goes to shit, then you must face down the existential threats by stockpiling contact lens solution instead.

And who am I to deride Huffman and his survivalist priorities? This man who is the brilliant, billionaire, aryan founder of the “front page of the internet” as against a glib content creator, sitting in pyjamas in a tiny basement flat, with a worn-out wrist and pieces of peperami immovably lodged in between his teeth?

Private Armies

The private standing army is the essential end-of-the world accessory for the financial overlord. And what really matters is how big your largesse of mercenary soldiers is compared to the next man’s

In this spirit, a number of American survivalist billionaires recently met in secret in Switzerland - with the size of their squadrons top of the agenda. After all, what’s the point in accruing billions of dollars if you don’t have a system in place to protect it from the antsy hoi polloi when the world is in peril?

But if food and water and law and order are in short supply, and hyper-inflation kicks in as it typically does during extreme crisis, then subordinating one’s troops becomes a real issue.

And whereas in the past, the very rich could trade Givenchy, Chapaud and furs for loyalty, today’s fiscally elite survivalists are largely austere, righteous and lacking in ostentatious possessions (other than, ironically, their dick-swinging anti-armageddon accoutrements) This means they’ll be faced with the futile task of trading stock in solar powered hectares in Arizona for the fading loyalty of their soldiers.

Food Mountains

Instead of posing the tired question of what would be your last meal before you die, we can instead ask what’s the best meal to have when the planet dies?

And on this front, survivalist food kits are a multi-billion dollar business. They are also a great leveller: rich and poor alike will typically be reliant on the same, boring types of emergency food: cereals, tinned fruit and vegetable and freeze-dried produce.

Many of the survivalist food kits, though, do offer charming, unexpected flourishes such as the hand wipes provided by leading emergency food kit manufacturer, Gear Hungry. After all, it’s bad enough having the world end before your very eyes without also having to deal with pesky, sticky fingers from your mini-pack raisin and sultana mix.

Survival Condo Projects

Luxury living inside a former nuclear bunker is a special pitch for special times. This form of subterranean existence is perfect for the super rich survivalist who isn’t grandiose or romantic enough to set their sites on living in space.

The full luxury, doomsday units in Wichita, Texas can be yours from around $3 million USD and they will allow 75 people to outlive the real world for up to 5 years.

There is also a special, organic hydroponic and aquaculture facility which is THE place to get your hands on luxury survivalist produce. This means that when the general public run out of food and start eating each other’s radio active flesh, you can dine on carefully cultivated matsutake mushrooms, saffron and albino sturgeon procured from the Sterlet fish being farmed in the sea water tanks.

The Wichita condo units also offer a further, rich blend of banal and apocalyptic features. So you can enjoy “Nuclear, Biological, and Chemical air filtration” alongside the “Washer and dryer in each unit”. And as well as the “Command & Control Center” you will find “Full kitchens with High-end stainless appliances” lest you endure a nuclear fall out with the added indignity of not having a sashimi-grade cutting knife.

The Doomsday Clock

The time of the clock (which gauges how close the world is to catastrophe) is governed by The Board of Atomic Scientists whose numbers include a dozen Nobel prize winners and experts in various fields.

As well as the present day, the only other occasion the Doomsday Clock was as far gone as 11:58 was in 1953 - after the Soviet Union and the U.S had developed and tested “H-Bombs”.

So it doesn’t look good for us then.

New Zealand

Many New Zealand media outlets reacted with anger to vast parts of their beautiful country being sold to over a dozen Silicon Valley billionaires. Presumably, it was more irritating still, though, when James Cameron started buying up land there.

All of the above contributed to a change in the law in 2018, restricting non-citizens’ right to buy property in New Zealand. This can be side-stepped, however, by acquiring permanent residency if $7.5m USD is invested in the country year-on year after an initial outlay.

This forms part of a bigger picture of “passport collecting” amongst dozens of the world’s richest survivalists. Because as well as allowing them to find political and economic safe havens, multi-citizenship is the ultimate keeping-it-classy-fuck-you status symbol; the non-gauche equivalent of the mega-yacht.

Inside the mind of Ray Kurzweil

Eternal life achieved through a downloaded conscience is of long-running intrigue to survivalists, science fiction writers and raging narcissists alike. So let us ponder, then, what it means to exist without bodily movement or sensation for infinity...

...Those billions of years you’d have alone with your biggest regrets. The trillions of years spent with no means of generating new memories. Or perhaps you’d lose your mind and your memories altogether; for there can be no absolute guarantee against that.

So maybe, then, you’d be terrified, trapped and confused ad infinitum. In which case you’d think someone would flip the switch and put out of your misery. Unless you get overlooked in the data base, lost in the system. Forever conscious.

Enjoy it, Ray.

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